Breaking Free from Comparison Mindset
Using Envy as a Compass for Growth
Today, in my daily reading I received three pieces of wisdom about the dangers of a comparison mindset from Seth Godin, Daniell Koepke, and Dr. Christine Harris. It got me thinking about where I experience envy and other toxic comparisons and what helps.
Tuning into social media’s impacts
I enjoy a little time on Instagram and often find humanity there, particularly the awareness that we are none of us the “only one” who does something. I love the moment of humor and recognition when I see a reel that sounds like some private anxiety that I didn’t realize others felt, or something I experience with my kids that is a much larger social phenomenon. It is a funny and a relief to know that I’m just one of many experiencing these things.
But I also often find that if I listen to my body when I’m on social media, the textures of sensation are very clear. I have a sinking feeling in my chest, or the tenderness of sadness, or tension in my shoulders. These are all ways my inner wisdom is saying NO!
One of the most problematic characteristics of social media is the way it quickly puts us in a comparison mindset. Even worse, it often has us comparing ourselves vertically with those who have many more resources or live in vastly different circumstances rather than horizontally the way one does with one’s neighbors or friend group.
Those sensations of tenderness, sadness, anger are all the comparison minding rearing up in my subconscious experience even before I get a conscious thought of, oh I want to “get that grant” or “make my house look that cool” or “be that fit,” or whatever it is… The subtle signal is there and when I catch this feeling, I know I need to get out of the social media vortex. The best remedy is to close social media and spend time with myself and my creative practice. Often reading is an effective antidote. After reading a poem or two, life always feels different.
The problem with comparison is that it does not move us where we want to go. As Daniell Koepke says (on Instagram, ha!), “[Comparison] just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck.”
Seth Godin, a technology innovator and all-around thinker/doer/facilitator I admire, spoke about comparison in his recent blog post titled Nice Bike. In short, we ride to work on our nice bike, then we see someone going faster on a nicer bike. We get jealous until we end up in a car and then a rocket, and so on…the last line is what stays with me:
“The challenge arises when we take our eyes off of what we set out to build in the first place.”
If we get so lost in comparison we can lose track of our inner voice and what makes us happy.
Making envy useful
But envy can also be useful. I find that if I notice I am envious of something someone else has it is like a bright light shining on something I want to create in my own life, something I’m not giving enough attention to. And this is a gift.
For example, if I’m envious of the big table in my friend’s yard where she gathers community around her, then clearly I want more of that myself. Do I want a big table too? Or is it about having a place to gather, or doing the gathering itself, or more time with friends?
As I listen, I am led toward my deepest values and priorities and can start to put more energy toward creating them or making space for them to happen.
The New York Times newsletter on health and wellness echoed this sentiment in a piece titled “How to Make Envy Work for You” based on Dr. Christine Harris’ research on envy throughout the lifespan.
Try the following steps:
Acknowledge the envy and don’t be afraid to see it
Trust that you can hold both envy and love and other feelings at the same time
Don’t act impulsively on it but instead let it shine a light on what’s missing in your own life. It may be something similar or it may be tangentially related but some reflection can take you there quite easily.
Reflect using a gentle “wondering mindset.”
Offset it by choosing gratitude, it is the quickest antidote.
And let’s add one final step that I find transforms envy into much better emotions very quickly:
Identify one small action step you can take toward having the thing you want.
Envy helped you know it is important to you.
Make it a priority and take action.
Apply an abundance mindset.
Seeing what others have helps you understand your desires and there is truly enough for us all to get grants have fabulous opportunities and get beautiful tables around which we can gather our fabulous friends. Smile, celebrate their successes, and get excited about what’s next for you.
So whether it is — getting out of “comparison spaces” so you can pay more attention to your experience through poetry walking reading or resting; or simply working with the feelings of envy when they arise to help you identify what wants attention in your own life — shining the light of awareness helps ease the moment and show you where you want to go so that we can create more livable futures together.
As an aside for another post, comparison can also be a super useful tool for building empathy especially when creating connections across difference and exploring the characteristics of more-than-human friends for clues to livability. Stay tuned!
Warmest wishes,
Norah